Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Palm Trees. What's the point?

Seriously. My occipital lobe is abused daily by the site of these pillaring odes to uselessness. Here, first give yourself a few moments to analyze this picture for reference, before I continue:

Look at them, Leering ominously. Not only are these phallic Obelisks of Ugly incapable providing a single square cm of shade, they are also undoubtedly the least fun tree to climb. It is actually no surprise that these frond-bearing dildos reside in miami, the place I hate.
To add to the problems associated with these "plants", the strangely incompetent planners of Miami have managed to bring out the worst in palm trees. That is, to line them up along every man-made object in the area.
It's true, perhaps the majority of man-made objects in miami are so ugly, they need to be covered by something. Palm trees however, physically manifest the fact that we are prisoners to sucky-ness by resembling the bars of a jail-cell everywhere we look.
Furthermore, they are a menace to all users of the streets, by lining up along roads and casting fronds and coconuts to their heart-of-palm's desire. Usually, they land right in the precious few bicycle lanes we have here, only to be NOT be cleared out by road maintenance EVER.
Finally, palm trees, which there are a lot of in miami, are actually more dangerous than sharks, which there are also a lot of in Miami. Falling coconuts kill 150 people worldwide anually, which is 15 times the number of shark fatalities. 


  1. Your hatred is truly astounding. I don't think I could ever be so dedicated to hating it here so much to blog about it. Wonderful. :)

  2. I like this article and I like your blog!

    Keep it comming

  3. Nice. I'm an oak man myself.

  4. If you didn't know palms aren't trees they are a type of grass. and they look very good when planted and they are Gods creation. so you are saying they don't belong in the world?
    Palm trees a very good plants, they 100% more attractive than regular trees.

  5. Miami is nice, palms is nice and you are idiot :) .

  6. Your crappy blog. What's the point.

    You obviously don't know squat about that fact that there are thousands of different palm trees, with a wide variety of characteristics. Some rarely, if ever, drop fronds. Some have leaves as wide as your car. Some have seeds bigger than your brain.

  7. Palm trees are nice but they need a lot of maintenance. Some of them consume to much water. I wish we had more of those regular walking trees along the road instead having palm trees with ugly dried branches.

  8. If you hate palms, MOVE. Seriously.